It's not often that I post something profound, but I wanted to share a little of what I read in my devotional book yesterday morning. I am reading "This Day with the Master" by Dennis F. Kinlaw...an excellent read, I might add. Here is an excerpt of the reading for August 12th, entitled "Fear is Never the Last Word." "The words of Psalm 34 do not mean that whoever comes to Christ and lives for Him will have no fear, no trouble, and no need. Instead, the psalmist says that the person who trusts in God will find that fear is never the last word. Trouble is never the final answer. Need is never the ultimate reality. When the story is over, the fear will be conquered; God will have delivered. The trouble will be mastered, and God will have freed the believer. The needs in life will have been met, and God will have provided for every need. There would have been no impetus to write this song if the psalmist had never had any fear, any trouble, or any need. It is when you have been scared to death and God has brought you out of the trouble, that you can sing God's praise. When you are in a tight place and call out to Yahweh, who is your only hope, you are in a situation ripe for a miracle. When you have no way to pay your bills and God provides, then you walk away while singing His praises. The trouble itself turns our minds to Christ and gives Him the opportunity to show himself good and powerful in our lives."
Now, I don't know about you, but this spoke to me. To be honest, I have gone through some very anxious times this summer. Lots of uncertainty about the future, feelings of inadequacy about the coming school year, etc. I have always heard that it's darkest just before the dawn. I truly hope so. Sometimes I feel that I have so little to offer, and that if God doesn't intervene, I'm going to fall flat on my face. I've heard and read a lot about believing God this summer, both in messages and in books. It's not that I've struggled to believe God CAN do things, I have struggled to believe that He wants to do good things for ME. Maybe you don't struggle with an inferiority complex, but I do. For many years now, I have had feelings that "I'm not good enough. If I could just do________, or be ______, then maybe I would be good enough." It's hard for me to understand why God would love me. What I've come to discover is that His love is beyond my comprehension. He loves me because I am His creation, because I am His child. Maybe some of these insecurities stem from being single, I don't know. Those of you ladies who are married, you have had a man choose to love you, and to (hopefully) be willing to lay down his life for you if need be. I haven't had that experience, and sometimes it's like I told a cousin several years ago..." I feel like the one nobody wanted." Now, I know that sounds pitiful...but sometimes that does surface regardless of how pitiful it may sound. Those who love me most(my family,) didn't have much choice in the matter. They love me partly because I'm family. Don't get me wrong: I'm eternally grateful for a loving family! They are awesome. And I realize that you, my friends, love me too. But there's still something inside that says "Why? What do you see in me that would cause you to love me?" As I write this, I realize that I'm probably opening myself up for pot-shots...please be kind! And I'm really not searching for compliments and reassurances about why you love me. I'm just trying to be honest, okay? If I'm making you mad, call me or e-mail:) And I'm really not having a pity-party...just trying to explain some of the things I've especially struggled with this summer.
Anyway...wow, that was quite a paragraph. Got a little carried away as usual. As I was saying, this little devotional helped me yesterday. I am trying with everything in me to believe that God really does care about the minute details of MY life, and that He is working all things together for my good and His glory. I feel like I'm in a situation that is ripe for a miracle. I know that trust is a decision, just like love is. I have to consciously choose to trust God, no matter what the circumstances look like around me. Another statement I read recently was "Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light." It's easy for me to just ride my emotions, and yeah, I'm an emotional person. I'm a musician, okay? But I have to learn to take emotions out of the equation, and simply trust God because He IS. When I'm sad or moody, He has not changed. When I can't see the next step to take, He is holding out His hand, asking me to trust Him to guide me through the darkness. So I choose to trust Him with all the little details of my life, and that's the long and the short of it. If you are looking for someone to pray for, you can add me to your list:) I appreciate any prayers I can get.
Moving on from the profound, here's a little of what I've been up to the past few days. I have worked a couple extra shifts in cardiac rehab...was glad to pick up the hours as money has been a bit tight since the whole Nellie saga. I am extremely glad that tomorrow is payday! Yay!!!! Today, I went shopping in Bloomington with a credit card. Now that probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but it is to me. All of you fellow Dave Ramsey-ites, please don't hit me. I normally use a debit card or cash, but my cash is limited right now, and I have $20 something in my checking account until tomorrow. I would have waited to shop, but I need to decorate my music classroom tomorrow afternoon, to have it ready for the parent's tour on Friday. So I whipped out the handy-dandy credit card...no Dave Ramsey, I didn't cut them up. But I may just do that one of these days. I really only use them if I know I will have the money to pay them off each month. And the school will reimburse some of my expenses...so it should be okay. So tomorrow I have staff orientation in the morning, then will spend the afternoon getting ready for the kiddos.
Also, we celebrated my Mom's birthday yesterday. She wanted money this year, instead of gifts, so I had to tell her that she would have to wait until payday :) Fortunately, she was very understanding. We fixed a scrumptious dinner of roast chicken and dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, carrots that had been sweetened, cottage cheese, and home-made pickles. We finished up with cake and ice cream. The diet was shot yesterday, believe me. Thank God for Curves, and a fitness plan! I will be getting on the treadmill yet this evening, trust me. Today, I got a sandwich at Heavenly Ham, and I thought I was being pretty healthy. I looked up the nutritional information on their Turkey Salad when I got home, and was absolutely horrified! Where did they hide all those ridiculous calories anyway? It was just a sandwich! Delicious yes, but I won't be getting it anytime soon. So the treadmill is not an option for me today. I will be at Curves tomorrow. Trying to get some exercise every day except Sunday, instead of just Curves 3 times weekly. Below I am posting some pics from my Mom's birthday celebration. Oh, and I canned 7 more quarts of pickles yesterday, and believe me that's a job! An all-day job!
Mom had a very nice birthday, said it couldn't have been better. My brother and his family came over to help her celebrate. Diane couldn't get here because of work conflicts. We also met some of the family in Mitchell for lunch, so that was nice.
Well, it's getting to be close to supper time, so if I'm gonna get on that treadmill, I've got to get cracking! Again...those of you who are my friends, thank you so much for choosing to love me, to include me in your life! You will never know how grateful I am for each of you.
Okay..adios, lots of love, etc.....
6 comments:
I choose to! =) Good thoughts, my friend. I do pray that you will get the miricle you need. However, even if you don't see lots of results right now, the choices you are making are building up treasures in heaven. Sometimes it's good to know that everything will ultimately come out exactly right - even if things look all wrinkly right now. Love ya!
I think we all have inferiority feelings from time to time. I know I do. I wonder if I'll be able to do something, then afterward wonder if I did it well enough, and often think I should just back out and let other people do it all.
Which leads to, "How can God (or anyone else) love me?" One thing that helps is that I've sort of learned to take His statement at face value and believe that He loves me and is nearby, no matter what I might feel.
My word Cindy, didn't you learn anything in Dave's class?! :-) Hey we can't all be like him. I approve of your card purchase whether he would or not.
Good thoughts there in your post. Also, sounds like a good meal, though the correct term is "stuffing", not "dressing"! (case in point, you buy Stove Top......Stufing, not Stove Top "Dressing"! Tell your mom I said happy belated birthday.
Great post, Cindy.
I totally agree with and understand your paragraph on "inferiority."
I'm so excited with what God is doing at SCCA. Have a good year!
Happy Birthday to your sweet Mom!
I also choose to love you even though I am a cousin in law :-)
Wow, Cindy! I really liked your blog. I think what you had to say helped me as well. I especially like the little part from the book you read. That was really cool.
Love ya! Kristin
P.S. Tell your family and Snickers and I said hello for me. (Yo hablo hola a tu famila y tu perro.)
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